Best friends

Wow!!!I kinda regret writing the previous post. hehe...all the sudden, everyone like treat me so nice...ask me go here goo there..haha..so funny.But, i dunno wan to say yes, i will go out with them or noo i dont want.

---If say yes ,
1.i scared i will ffk again then they may not ask me to go out again.Then ,
loner again.
2. If i go out with them, i may trouble them,eg, i do somethings they don't like or
they have to 'zau' me or i cannot make decision , they have to wait for me
etc....i dunno lah! fan!

----if say no ,
1. then i will be a bad friend, they keep asking and i always say no, u also will be
sick and tried of having such friend la...

haih....y does life have to be so difficult? y have to think so so much? haih...junie...wats wrong with u?

Self-esteem and friends

You know,When i see a bunch of friends hanging out together, i always wonder...how come i do not have such a life? a life of hanging out with friends...its funny, but i really do realize i am such a loner. i asked anson why. He said its because i always fang fei ji ( fly aeroplane ) .Maybe it is true, but, everytime i want to go out or hang out,i have this great big fear. Fear of what you might wonder, and sumtimes i wonder too. i dunno, its a fear that i wont be able to fit into the group. Its just that, i always feel..i am just this really really small , small, small person, a person so insignificant in this world, i dun deserve to have friends treating me nice, or friends to hang out with me. I am afraid that if i go out with them, i would trouble them somehow, like if i want to buy something and they don't, but still they have to accompany me out of obligation. I just think that i am too small a person to deserve people to go out of their way to meet my needs. People are selfish i know, and people wouldnt like to trouble themselves. It is really lonely when u r alone. Truly depressing, but i guess, in loneliness, u learn independece. and being independent is seriously not easy. its painful when all alone u walk, then u see ur friends all walking together, u see them smiling and laughing together, and u wonder why are u so alone?wat have u done to have no friends that walk along with u? friends really are important arent they? I think to find a friend who truly cares for u and who accpets u no matter what or who u r is really hard.

Ya, its true, i have many friends, but, most of them are just hi bye friends. maybe i really do have a problem. maybe, i really am not worth having a real true friend. then again, true friends, one or two is enough is it?yes, i think it is. so, i shall try to physic myself alwasy and tell myself, its ok to be alone, its ok to have 1,2 true friend and 10000 hi bye friends. If any of you think i really do have a problem or if i am really not a good friend and need to change , please do tell me, i really want to be a better person. if i can. thanks.

Birthday

well...birthday was long time ago...but. am really blessed to have real good friends to celebrate with. 21 this year...old di.hehe...with 21 comes loads and loads of unwanted proble, i think

my best friend who just came back from singapore wanted to throw me a surprise party.but...too bad, i found out about it ..hehe. mum wanted to throw me a big bash party, then, i tot, who am i to desreve a party,,i am just a nobody, who would want to celebrate with me?if it were not for my cg friends in uni and my high school best friend, i would have again been a loner on my birthday. but, i really do wanna tahnk them a big deal and all my uni freinds, even if it were be just greeting me ' HAppy Birthday" was enough to make me feel so special on my supposedly special day. Every bday, i sure will cry wan. crying not of laughter, but crying bcoz i am sad, and that's bcoz of my bday. Ever since form 3 , i hated my bday. everyone would wish that everyday was their bday, but, me, NEVER !!! I always wished that it never come and never will come. Not bcause of the fear of getting old ( no way !!I dun even think of it ) Just bcoz of the expereinces i had in my past bdays.they were never a happy wan. One time, i had a bday party, and it was a lousy bday, everyone was bored, and i felt very guilty for inviting them to my party. So, i cried bcoz the party was not good enough to entertain my guest. SO, from then on, i never had a bday celebration.

This year, mum said its my 21st bday, must celeb, i said :' no need la' the whole family was curious, but i never told them why. it was mainly my fear... fear that i will not be a good host. i still fear it now, guess it will continue to haunt me till i grow old...so..it seems that a happy bday party like the rest will never come true for me.But, i really must say thank you guys and girls for making my this 21st bday special to me. appreciate it a lot.